Worrying sucks. We all do it, whether it’s worrying we’ll be late for work, worrying about money, or worrying about whether people like us. It’s a human emotion, to worry. Sometimes though, it can go a little further and that’s when spiralling happens.
I’m in a constant state of feeling out of touch. I feel out of touch with some friends, with group chats, with blogging, social media. You name it, there’s a very strong possibility I’m feeling very out of it.
The logical question that follows is: why? The not so logical answer is: I have no idea.
It’s been a pretty long time since I’ve posted on here I know. I also know that I say that everytime I do post and you’d think I’d be used to posting infrequently by now but hey ho.
“I’m not good enough”. It’s a thought that passes through my head almost daily. The context however changes from day to day. Sometimes it could be “I’m not good enough to get this job”, others it can be “I’m not good enough to even contemplate beating my depression”, it varies often.
Wow, long time no see eh? It’s been a really long time since I’ve even visited this blog, never mind actually written for it, but I guess better late than never. The truth of it is, my mind has been in so many different places over the past year that I haven’t even known what to write for it. I could barely give any advice or help to myself at times, never mind writing with hopes of helping others. But that’s changed now, and I guess that story is for another blog post. For today, there’s one thing on my mind and I think four years on it’s time for an update.
Grief sucks. Losing the people you love is the worst thing, and I would never wish it on anyone. It’s been four years since I wrote my first post on this topic, Loss, and what has changed? Everything, and also nothing at all.
You haven’t taken enough already? Taking my every last ounce of happiness, and every last good memory away from me wasn’t enough? Was giving you every single tear I had, every single piece of my heart, every single smile I had not good enough?
You are a killer. You are a murderer. You are cruel. You leave people to rot inside their own minds. You lead people to believe they mean nothing, when you know full well they mean the world to someone. You break families apart, relationships apart. You break people.
You take the strongest person and reduce them down until they’re nothing but sadness. You ruin the best in people. You make sure even the kindest souls are tainted with your darkness. Oh and you do all of this, and you’ve made sure there’s no cure.
Sure we can make you go away for a while, but that’s not enough for you. You come back. You’re always there, lurking. Waiting for the weak spot to rear its head again. Waiting for an opening. Then BAM you’re back. Ruining lives, and laughing the entire way.
You feed off of misery, and sadness and pain. You love to create loneliness. You dwell in the darkness of people’s minds, and make that grow until that’s all the mind can see. Until it starts to look around, but the light is gone.
You are a f*****g arsehole. You hurt the ones I love. You make them feel like they’re nothing, when to me they are everything. You hurt me. You hurt me every single f*****g day I am alive. You make it a chore to just survive. You make it hard to be alone. You make it impossible for me to think without you there. You make me feel like I’m drowning. Like I’m useless.
But you’re the one that’s going to lose. Depression, here is my oath to you.
For every mind you’ve ever broken, for every heart you’ve taken away and made dark, for every tear someone has shed because of you. You will live to regret it. Because we see you. We see your darkness. And we are sick of you.
It might take months, years, or even centuries. But one day, you’ll be nothing. You will be exactly what you make us feel. Worthless. Nothing more than a bad memory. Nothing. You have hurt people for so long. It’s time you felt it too, I think.
So get ready. Because I will never give up this fight as long as I am still breathing. I will never ever give up. Not for me. Not for my friends. My family. Not for every single person who has felt any pain from you.
I am coming for you depression.
Get ready, because here I come.
It’s not nice feeling scared all the time, is it?
Lots of love, from your tormented pawn,
What if? A question you probably ask yourself on a daily basis without even knowing. It probably starts off as something simple, what if I got an earlier bus today? What if I’d decided to shower last night instead of rushing around this morning? What if I’d actually gone to bed when I said I would instead of sitting and scrolling through social media all night? We all ask it, and we all have to live with this sometimes intolerable question bearing down on our minds.
Sometimes however, the question can relate to something more serious. It could be an exam, a piece of coursework, an incident at work, or a failed relationship. The thoughts of what could be, or should have been buzz through your mind and can become unbearable. The thought of not knowing what could have happened if you’d changed one slight thing about your day on that day where it all went wrong can be too much to bear.
Take myself as an example. There aren’t a lot of moments I can think of that I would want to change too much, apart from one. As you know from previous blogs, my nan passed away a few years ago and it was one of the hardest times of my life. That is my biggest reason for what if’s. What if she never passed away back then? Would she have been proud of me now? Would we have been just as close, if not closer? Would I still be feeling how I am, and struggling with my mental health as much? What if I’d been by her side? Would it have helped her? There are so many ‘what if’s’ going on in my mind thinking about that moment.
Wow it’s been a while since I wrote here! Again I’m so sorry but I’ve just not felt particularly inspiring or helpful recently. I’ve not even been helping myself too much, my own fault yes, so I didn’t really feel like writing anything.
That’s until I was listening to a song by Mallory Knox called ‘Lighthouse’. A particular lyric struck a chord in me and inspired this post.
“Find the lighthouse in the dark, and shine a light on every single soul that weeps”
This line really hit me. Now I’ve listened to this song a million times but it wasn’t until now that I interpreted it in my own way.
It talks about finding a lighthouse to shine a light on yourself and those in need. That’s one of the most important lyrics I’ve heard. A lot of people, myself included, see their depression as a black cloud, a darkness or something in relation that it blocks out the light and goodness of life.
However this lyric battles that, it hints that you find a lighthouse to help brighten up that darkness, and that’s something I think we can all do. Now that ‘lighthouse’ doesn’t have to be anything in particular, it can be anything you want. It could be reading, listening to music, a person in your life…anything really. What matters is that your ‘lighthouse’ shines bright enough to you that the dark clouds move. Even for a little bit, but for that moment they’re gone. That for the time your lighthouse is shining so bright nothing can ever dull it.
This concept might sound cheesy but I’ve learnt through my struggle with depression that anyway to help yourself think positively is a way to help clear that darkness away.
Leading me on to the next part of the lyric, ‘shine a light on every single soul that weeps’ – possibly my favourite line. Never ever feel like you’re alone in this. What you’re feeling I can almost guarantee someone else has felt the same or similar. Reach out to someone if you can – and that goes out to both those dealing with mental health issues and those who aren’t. Reach out to those you think are in need and remind them they’re never alone. Mental illness can be a very lonely place even if you’re surrounded by love, as I’ve learnt from my own experience. Banding together and shining our own ‘lighthouse’ on other people reminds them to stay strong and reminds them they’re not the only ones going through it. There is help and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and hundreds of people who will be more than willing to lend a helping hand. Don’t worry if you need a little guidance along the way.
Lighthouses guide boats to safety and stop them from hitting rocks along the way. Once you realise what your lighthouse is let it do just that for you. Let it guide you away from your demons, and direct you through the darkness. Allow it to steer you away from the rocks that will eventually cause you to sink, you can do this.
What I’m trying to say is that everyone deserves to have a light in their life, no matter what it is. Games, family, friends, books, make up, hopefully if you look hard enough it will be there. Once you find it remind yourself that you won’t be like this forever and let it help you to get away from the darkness. The escape may not last forever but the little steps are always the most important.
I hope this made sense, and I hope that it helps whoever it needs to. Here is me shining a light on those who need it – I’m here and so are you so never forget how far you’ve come and how hard you’ve fought already.
Look out for your lighthouse and blast that darkness away.