Being Unapologetically Myself

The world can be an intimidating place. It can be so hard to find where you fit in, and even when you find it, it can be even harder to embrace that and be who you want to be.

Health Anxiety/Hypochondria

I thought hypochondria was a made up thing. Sure, I’d heard people say ‘omg you’re such a hypochondriac’, or refer to Dot Cotton in Eastenders as a hypochondriac, but I thought it was just a made up word. Something to describe someone who always worries. I never knew it was real.

Anxiety and Me

Worrying sucks. We all do it, whether it’s worrying we’ll be late for work, worrying about money, or worrying about whether people like us. It’s a human emotion, to worry. Sometimes though, it can go a little further and that’s when spiralling happens.

Out of Touch

I’m in a constant state of feeling out of touch. I feel out of touch with some friends, with group chats, with blogging, social media. You name it, there’s a very strong possibility I’m feeling very out of it.

The logical question that follows is: why? The not so logical answer is: I have no idea.

An Open Letter to Depression

Dear Depression,

You haven’t taken enough already? Taking my every last ounce of happiness, and every last good memory away from me wasn’t enough? Was giving you every single tear I had, every single piece of my heart, every single smile I had not good enough?

You are a killer. You are a murderer. You are cruel. You leave people to rot inside their own minds. You lead people to believe they mean nothing, when you know full well they mean the world to someone. You break families apart, relationships apart. You break people.

You take the strongest person and reduce them down until they’re nothing but sadness. You ruin the best in people. You make sure even the kindest souls are tainted with your darkness. Oh and you do all of this, and you’ve made sure there’s no cure.

Sure we can make you go away for a while, but that’s not enough for you. You come back. You’re always there, lurking. Waiting for the weak spot to rear its head again. Waiting for an opening. Then BAM you’re back. Ruining lives, and laughing the entire way.

You feed off of misery, and sadness and pain. You love to create loneliness. You dwell in the darkness of people’s minds, and make that grow until that’s all the mind can see. Until it starts to look around, but the light is gone.

You are a f*****g arsehole. You hurt the ones I love. You make them feel like they’re nothing, when to me they are everything. You hurt me. You hurt me every single f*****g day I am alive. You make it a chore to just survive. You make it hard to be alone. You make it impossible for me to think without you there. You make me feel like I’m drowning. Like I’m useless.

But you’re the one that’s going to lose. Depression, here is my oath to you.

For every mind you’ve ever broken, for every heart you’ve taken away and made dark, for every tear someone has shed because of you. You will live to regret it. Because we see you. We see your darkness. And we are sick of you.

It might take months, years, or even centuries. But one day, you’ll be nothing. You will be exactly what you make us feel. Worthless. Nothing more than a bad memory. Nothing. You have hurt people for so long. It’s time you felt it too, I think.

So get ready. Because I will never give up this fight as long as I am still breathing. I will never ever give up. Not for me. Not for my friends. My family. Not for every single person who has felt any pain from you.

I am coming for you depression.

Get ready, because here I come.

It’s not nice feeling scared all the time, is it?

Lots of love, from your tormented pawn,

Meggan x

The Insufferable Question

What if? A question you probably ask yourself on a daily basis without even knowing. It probably starts off as something simple, what if I got an earlier bus today? What if I’d decided to shower last night instead of rushing around this morning? What if I’d actually gone to bed when I said I would instead of sitting and scrolling through social media all night? We all ask it, and we all have to live with this sometimes intolerable question bearing down on our minds.

Sometimes however, the question can relate to something more serious. It could be an exam, a piece of coursework, an incident at work, or a failed relationship. The thoughts of what could be, or should have been buzz through your mind and can become unbearable. The thought of not knowing what could have happened if you’d changed one slight thing about your day on that day where it all went wrong can be too much to bear.

Take myself as an example. There aren’t a lot of moments I can think of that I would want to change too much, apart from one. As you know from previous blogs, my nan passed away a few years ago and it was one of the hardest times of my life. That is my biggest reason for what if’s. What if she never passed away back then? Would she have been proud of me now? Would we have been just as close, if not closer? Would I still be feeling how I am, and struggling with my mental health as much? What if I’d been by her side? Would it have helped her? There are so many ‘what if’s’ going on in my mind thinking about that moment.

2017 New Years Resolutions

2016 has been a weird year. So many awful things have happened in the world, and so many people that are idolised have lost their lives, it’s been a tragedy. However a lot of good things have happened too, such as the Giant Panda no longer being endangered. The good things have seemingly been overlooked by the bad, which I know is a common thing that most people do. It’s easier to let the dark clouds cover the sky than it is to create a clear sky yourself, and that’s understandable.

However with each passing year, people all across the world decide to make New Year’s Resolutions to change something about themselves in the new year. If you look at my post from last year, I also did a resolution post, and I kind of stuck to it. So this year I want to carry on making achievable goals, because I feel too many people make their goals incredibly hard and then make themselves feel bad about not achieving them.

Here are my resolutions for the year:

1. A returning resolution this year, I’m going to make sure to try to put myself first. A lot of the time I make sure to put others first, which is a good thing, in moderation. It’s important to make sure to focus on yourself and take some time for yourself too. You’re just as important as they are, and I hope you never forget that.
2. Focus on my mental health. If you’ve read previous blog posts on this blog then you’ll know that this year has been a tough one since I got diagnosed with depression, if not then you can read about that here. However I figured that one of the main things I want to do next year is focus on that, and focus on how to improve my mental health, even if it’s just something as simple as pushing myself to visit a friend even when I don’t want to. The little steps are the most important, and I hope that next year I can create as many little steps as I can, to help let the light shine through the darkness.
3. This one sounds obvious but it deserves to be written down. Love the ones who care for you, and make sure they always know they’re loved too. It sounds obvious but there have been so many times I’ve wasted my love and energy on people who either never give it back, or just don’t appreciate it. I know I’m not the only one who does this too. So this year I hope that we can all just focus on those that truly love us. Don’t waste your time on those who don’t care, or only care when it suits them. Focus on those you love, and make sure to always let them know how much you love them. They deserve all the love in the world, just as you do.
4. Listen to people’s advice and my own advice more. Everyone knows that it’s easy to give out advice, but when it comes to someone else giving it to you, or you listening to your own then it can be hard to accept. However this year I am going to try my best to listen to others, and myself more.
5. Don’t take the bad things to heart so much, and stop focusing on all the bad in life. I have a habit of focusing constantly on the bad things in life, I’m a true pessimist at heart. It doesn’t do any good though, so this year I’m going to make sure that I focus on all the good that goes on. If something bad happens then I’m going to make sure I remember all the good in my life, and it won’t seem as bad. I think that’s something everyone should do too. Not everything is bad all the time, it just means taking some more time and focusing on the good things.
6. Another one I had on my list last year, but possibly the most important. Smile. Make sure to smile at every opportunity. The world is getting to be a dark place recently, and there are less and less reasons each year to smile. However that doesn’t mean we should let our smiles disappear too. No matter what happens, stay strong, and keep that beautiful smile on your face. It’s amazing what one simple smile can do, and how much light it can produce in such a time of darkness. Find one good thing everyday and use that to power yourself through the year.

2017 is nearly here, and that year will probably fly by just as every year seems to recently. It’s easy to get caught up in the bad, but remember to never give up hope. Hope is what keeps us going, and fuels us for both the good and the bad times ahead. Remember to love yourself, your friends and family, and always keep that smile. You never know, even if you don’t need it, that smile could just make someone else’s year.

Happy New Year, I hope 2017 is filled with happiness and you have the most amazing year.

Stay strong, and keep fighting.

You Me At Six – 20th October 2016 // O2 Academy Sheffield

Six years after they last came to Sheffield, British rock band You Me At Six are back with an astounding concert at the O2 Academy. Following the announcement of the new album Night People being released early next year, the UK tour announcement was met with much excitement.

The o2 was filled, both the standing area and the balcony, with excited fans of all ages, the atmosphere whilst the supporting act VANT played, was electric. As the lights dimmed, the academy was overcome by screams of sheer joy and chants of ‘Yorkshire’, to which lead singer Josh sauntered on stage in his hooded jacket, and the magic began.

Singing a mixture of songs from all albums, it meant that no matter when you became a fan, there was something for everyone. Starting out with the beautifully moving lyrics of ‘When We Were Younger’, it really brought a calming effect across the crowd. Until best selling hit ‘Bite My Tongue’ however, which got the crowd moving to the fullest. The screams of the lyrics could probably be heard miles away.

The band also belted out hits such as ‘Fresh Start Fever’, ‘Loverboy’ and ‘Stay With Me’, all of which were met with the crowd singing them back, pretty much lyric for lyric, it was a brilliant sight to see and hear. A couple of small mosh pits also opened up, it’s safe to say the crowd were riled up and ready to enjoy the concert however they could.

Josh brought such a brilliant personality to the stage, whether he was acting out the songs or he was linking little mannerisms to the songs, such as dramatically nodding his head to the beat of each drum as the songs opened. It really added to the night, and showed just how much he loved being on the stage and being a showman.

Another treat of the night was a surprise acoustic rendition of ‘Too Young To Feel This Old’. Normally set to a rock beat, it was a shock to have it broken down to be so heartfelt, and the crowd instantly calmed down to stand and appreciate the beautiful talent that is You Me At Six.

The power on Josh’s voice was especially shown in ‘No One Does it Better’ which combines both powerful notes and also a calm acoustic type verse, by singing this he really showed why he deserved to sell out arenas.

The final song, new single ‘Night People’ was the perfect finish to a perfect night, the angry, heavy opening beat to the song continued to build up the overall atmosphere of the concert, but also included a sudden ending, leaving the audience fulfilled but wanting more.

It’s been a while since YMAS have been in Sheffield, and it’s clear that they’ve been truly missed. Here’s to hopes that they’re back next year, I know that I definitely need more YMAS in our lives, and it seems after the gig I’m not the only one.

Night People is released on 13th January 2017, pre-order now!

First Steps

Everyone will no doubt go through challenges in their life, and these can be hard to overcome. No matter how hard you try, you may feel like nothing will help or that even when you try your best you can’t see any difference. However usually, the most important parts of overcoming challenges are the first steps you make.

The initial steps you make on your journey to achieve your goal are the best parts. They show that you’re doing something about it and they prove just how strong you are at making this change, because normally it’s starting out that can be the hardest.

I figured this out the hard way, as most people do throughout their lives. I felt like after months of being diagnosed with depression, that there was no hope and that there was no way I could overcome this. I felt like nothing had changed and that no matter what I did and how hard I tried, it was no use. That all changed for me yesterday, when I realised that it’s not about the biggest change, it’s sometimes not at all a difference you can see. It’s the small things.

Yesterday I went to my first counselling appointment in hopes that that, teamed with my medication, would help me to improve my mental health, or at least to learn to cope with it. It took me a while to realise, but that in itself was a step forward into making a change. I never would have done that before, because I would have avoided anything I could like that, I’m not the most open person when it comes to people I don’t know.

It made me realise that sometimes you can change, or take a step toward your goal maybe without even realising it. Whether your goal is losing weight, doing better in education, trying to achieve your dream job, or even something like eating better or recovering from an illness. It may seem like you can’t change or that everything you’re doing isn’t working but I can almost guarantee it is.

You can only try so hard, and I promise that your effort won’t be in vain. Take notice of the little things, whether that’s making an appointment for something you never thought you’d make, or even something as simple as reducing the amount of snacks you eat a day, or taking more time in completing homework. It’s the small things that make the difference, and once you’ve completed these, you’ll find the bigger differences fall right into place until you’ve achieved everything you want.

Don’t ignore the small achievements you make, they’re the most important, no matter how much they get overlooked. They’re the hardest to complete and they’re going to be the biggest part in your success in life. Don’t give up on yourself, and don’t sell yourself short. You have got this, and I promise you can do anything you want.

There’s hope for everyone, and you can achieve even more than you think. Just don’t underestimate yourself, as A.A. Milne said “You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think”. Always remember that and no matter what you do in life, you will beat it to the best of your ability.

Stay strong.

Update

I think there are times in everyone’s life when you finally feel like you’re on the right track. You feel like life is going you way finally, but then you realise that in fact you’re right back where you started. The effort you made amounted to nothing, and you’re not entirely sure how that happened, but it did.

That’s me right now. When I went to the doctors to get diagnosed and to start my tablets, I felt like that was the beginning of a new chapter for me. The chapter where I was finally going to start getting back to how I used to be, the me that was happy and didn’t have the dark cloud hanging over her all the time. 5 weeks later and nothing has changed.

It was meant to take only 2-4 weeks for my tablets to kick in, yet here I am 5 weeks later and still nothing has worked. I feel the same as I did when I first went to the doctors and to top it off I’ve noticed I’m a lot more anxious and nervous about things now too. Coming to terms with the fact my tablets aren’t working yet is hard. I really thought this was my chance and I know that they don’t work instantly but I still hoped by now I would notice a difference. I ask myself questions like: why aren’t they working? Is there something wrong with me? Will they ever work? I mean the questions are no good because I don’t even have the slightest clue of the answer. But they’re still there.

To tell you the truth I don’t know why they haven’t worked yet. Maybe they will, maybe I need to change them or something, I have no idea. All I know is that while they haven’t been working it’s been hard as hell still. I’ve been trying my best to get used to coping with my mind and to deal with it, and some days are better than others. I’m trying to be my old self and not show it as much, whether I’m doing well I don’t know.

I just wanted to make this update to show that it’s okay for your medication or your method of help to not work straight away. Yes it’s a massive pain, and yes it is extremely hard to deal with, when the one thing you thought would make you better doesn’t…its crushing. However we’re not alone, and you can’t give up. This method might not work but others will. It might just take a while to kick in. There are so many options of help, one is bound to work so don’t give up hope yet.

I’m still struggling and it’s a lot harder now, but I’m not going to give up. I discuss soon with my doctor about what we’re going to do about my medication and I’m hoping that will help. I’m nowhere near feeling better, and that cloud is well and truly still there but I just want everyone else who is in the same boat as me, no matter the illness, to know you’re not alone. You’re never alone and as long as you never give up fighting then you’re beating it. It might take a while but im sure you’ll get there in the end. Keep fighting and stay strong.